A love for yourself is the best kind of love.

Written: February 15th, 2012. 

It’s as simple as I was never happy with myself. I’d fight the battle between wanting to accept myself the way I was and wanting to be thin. I was out of shape and I couldn’t do anything physical. I resented gym class and I couldn’t even walk without my thighs rubbing up against each other. They’d burn whenever I walked and so I never wanted to walk anywhere. I couldn’t even walk up stairs without feeling exhausted. I had big thighs, fat calves, fat arms, four big fat rolls on my back, a fat stomach, cellulite on my butt, a double chin, and huge boobs. I could not stand all of that excess fat all over me. I knew that I could be better than that. I’d see girls who were as big as me and some who were even bigger that were confident with themselves and didn’t want to change. I know there are girls like that and I’m glad they can accept themselves as fat, but I couldn’t. I could not tolerate it. And no matter how confident you are fat, you still have to admit that sometimes it can be very uncomfortable. 

It’s not fun trying on clothes in fitting rooms and having nothing you want fit you comfortably. Sometimes you mistakenly choose outfits that are too tight and when you try to take them off, you can’t breathe. It’s not fun having to choose clothes that you don’t actually really care for as much as you care for the clothes that unfortunately won’t fit you. It’s not fun having to pay more for clothes. It’s not fun getting out of breath so easy. It’s not fun taking up more space than everyone else around you. It’s not fun when your smaller friends are borrowing each other’s clothes, but you can’t do that with them. It’s not fun being called fat or gross. It’s not fun being teased. It’s not fun looking in the mirror and crying. It’s not fun looking down and not being able to see your vagina or toes because your stomach is popping out so much. It’s not fun looking like you’re pregnant when you’re really not. It’s not fun hating yourself. It’s not fun being out of shape. It’s not fun being fat. 

I’ve been overweight all of my life. The lowest I ever remember weighing is 160 when I was about twelve years old, so when I finally got under 160 pounds I think around August 2011, it was such a big deal. I believe I got so fat because of my family’s eating habits. My mom eats healthy foods, she knows how to cook and can make anything, but she also likes unhealthy foods a lot too. I feel like I took after her, because she’d eat so much and there were always snacks around the house. I didn’t know what a real healthy meal was. I’d walk to the store and buy 30 dollars worth of junk food and I’d eat it all in one sitting. I’d probably have around 3,000-4,000 calories worth of food daily. I ate so terribly and I ate a lot at that. There was always food in my mouth for whatever reason. Because I was sad, angry, bored, irritated, happy, or simply just because the food tasted so good and I didn’t want to stop eating it. Then when I’d finally stop, I hated myself and I wanted it to be the next day already because I didn’t want to feel so gross anymore. I was so tired of going through that every damn day. The constant eating and the constant feeling of hating myself for eating so much. I honestly had enough of it.

I’d start a new diet every month. I’ve tried everything.. fasting, diet pills, vomiting, starving, etc. I didn’t care how I lost it, I didn’t care about being healthy, I just wanted the weight off. So many things in my life were not okay because of the fact that I was so insecure about my looks. I wished so badly that I could be confident so that I could actually talk to people and make new friends. I firmly believed that everyone was talking about me and that no one wanted to be my friend because of the way that I looked. I never left my house and I was so lonely. I’d basically lock myself up like a hermit. And I never took care of myself because I didn’t have enough respect for who I was to do that. I’d go days without showering and without brushing my teeth. I owned cute clothes but I thought I looked so ugly when I wore them so I’d wear my ugliest clothes so that I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable around other people when I left my house. I’d wear sweatshirts even in the summer just so I could cover up my arms that I thought were so huge. I never wore tank tops and I never wore shirts. I hid myself because I was ashamed. I had the worst self-esteem of anyone that I knew. And I never really understood how big I was until I’d look at photos that were taken of me. I could not confidently take a photo of myself. In photos, it showed how insecure and sad I was, because I’d never smile. I honestly don’t think 185 was my highest weight, because I looked bigger than that. I feel like I might have been bigger than 185 at one point but I didn’t have a scale to weigh myself. 

I did have a pretty face though. Surely it was chubby and I had a double chin, but my face was still pretty. Still no one of the opposite sex wanted to be with me romantically, they all wanted to use me for sexual pleasure and that was really it. I thought they didn’t like me because of my body which I’m sure was one of the reasons for some of the guys I was with, but I think the main reason for all of them was because I wasn’t confident and it showed. They used me for physical reasons and then they never talked to me again. I let myself get used by these people because I had no respect for myself. This was coming from a person who hated herself so much that she never even took care of herself. I felt wanted for once, I felt like I was beautiful for once, even though I knew that they were only using me. It was nice to feel good for once in my life, but the way that they hurt me in the end wasn’t worth it. Only one person I was with genuinely liked me for who I was and we were in a relationship together for awhile. Now I’m with someone else and although I do like him a lot, I know he would have never been with me if I were still big which makes me sad to say. I’m not mentioning all of this to say that the reason I wanted to lose weight was to find a boyfriend. I’m saying this to show just how insecure I was about my weight. 

To be honest, I didn’t want this for anyone but myself. For the first time in my life, I wanted to love myself. I wanted to be happy with what I saw in the mirror. Losing this weight was the best decision I ever made in my life. So many things got better for me. I was feeling way more confident, I was in good shape, I started to love running, I was happier, it became easier for me to talk to people, and I was starting to love myself. I gained enough respect for myself to start taking care of myself. I no longer had the mindset that I just needed to lose the weight and I didn’t care how I did it. Instead, I started losing weight healthily and it wasn’t only about losing weight, it was about improving my health and getting toned. I finally said to myself “Hey, you may not be thin yet but you will be. You’ll be toned and you’ll have an amazing body. Sure there’s a lot of things you need to improve on but you’re still beautiful.” I no longer felt like I was doing this because I hated myself, I was doing this because I wanted to be better. I knew that I could be better so I stopped talking negative about myself. I hung up positive notes on my wall and I’d give myself pep talks. I started reading self-help books and it got easier. I wasn’t so sad anymore. 

I decided to lose weight not just because I wanted to be thin and have a beach body. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to feel like I had control over my life. I wanted to prove to myself that I have control over food, food does not control me. This whole decision was about having a better life for myself. It was about finding a new love for who I am and what I look like. Now when I go days eating nothing but unhealthy foods, I feel sick to my stomach and I wonder how I ever ate like that and why I even feel the need to eat like that. When you eat good, you feel good. When you eat bad, you feel bad. I asked myself the question, which one do you want? To feel good or to feel bad? Losing weight was hard and it still is hard, I’m not even close to being finished but it is so worth it. It’s worth all of the hardships that you have to go through. I feel so much happier now that I can run, I can walk without my thighs rubbing together, I can walk up stairs without running out of breath, and I know what an actual nutritious meal looks like. Life is so much better when you live this way and that’s why I decided to make it a lifestyle instead of a temporary thing. Besides, if I only made it temporary, I’d end up gaining all the weight back when I start eating normal again. 

Frankly, I hated feeling sick all of the time. I felt sick from eating so much and I felt sick with the way I let myself go. I was ashamed. And I knew I was stronger than that, I knew I could live a much better life than that, and that’s why I decided to lose this weight.