A love for yourself is the best kind of love.

Written: June 30th, 2011. Updated: August 3rd, 2012.

My story: My name is Hannah, I’m 18, I was born in Phoenix, AZ and raised in Seattle, WA. I consider myself a healthy weight loss and fitness blog. My name is neversaydiet because of a book I read that inspired me with that same title and also because I don’t believe in diets. This isn’t a diet, it’s a lifestyle change and therefore I plan to exercise and eat healthy for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be anyone else but me. To be frank, I only want to improve myself. I know I can be a better me. I have this blog because I’ve had problems with my weight since I was only eleven years old. I truly don’t think I have ever gone more than one day since I was eleven without thinking about my weight, so it’s been a constant every day battle. It seems like that age is when everything started going downhill for me. I never had a great childhood, not one that I can look back on and say was good for me, although I do have some wonderful memories. So many unfortunate things happened to me and my family all throughout my life, but the problems I had with myself started when I was eleven. I think that’s when I started putting on some weight and felt pressure from other girls I saw in school I didn’t think I was as pretty as. Not only did I have self-esteem issues but I started cutting myself as a result of that. I was a cutter for four years and I absolutely hated my life. It always hurts me that I started cutting when I was only eleven, because I know those thoughts should never go through a person’s head let alone a child’s. How could I be so young and already be suicidal?My dad had died from throat cancer two years before and I still hadn’t recovered from it. Along with that, my mom’s now ex-boyfriend was physically abusive towards my family, the things I saw him do to them were traumatizing to see at such a young age. He always made me call him my dad when I knew my real dad was watching over me. He was in our lives for ten years, my mom didn’t leave him until a few years ago which means he was a part of my life for half of my existence. I think he was, obviously a big cause to my depression. My mom tried to get away from him a couple times, so we’ve lived in many different women’s shelters. A couple of times we had to live in a shelter not because of my mom’s ex-boyfriend, but because we had money problems. This is something my mom still has a problem with. I don’t deal with it anymore, because I live with my boyfriend now. I tried to be grateful, even if I wasn’t like the other kids who didn’t have to live in a shelter. I said at least I have a place to say and one experience I had living in a shelter was wonderful. I’ll always remember all of the beautiful women there who loved me and two of the children who were my age, Mariah and Riane. They’re still my friends to this day. Although I hated being poor, it taught me how to not be so selfish. I see kids today actually cry and say they hate their parents because they didn’t get an iphone for Christmas, but there were a lot of Christmas’s where I didn’t get anything I wanted at all. One Christmas, all I got was a small picture book of Mother’s and Daughters, a pillow, and a couple of other minor things and I cried and gave my mom a big hug because I knew she tried her best. Being low-class has also made me want to strive for what I want so that my children never have to go through the same thing. Anyway,  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I was in therapy for awhile, plus I was on prozac. I’ve tried to commit suicide and I have never been more thankful that I didn’t succeed. I’m not depressed or suicidal anymore, although sometimes I forget how to handle stress and have manic episodes, but I’m overcoming it. It has taken me years to get this far.

I’ve tried to lose weight many many times in the past, but I never succeeded. I was so desperate that I tried diet pills, crash diets, fasting, and purging when I felt like eating healthy and exercising wasn’t working. I keep many journals and sometimes I look back on them and in a lot of the pages I talk about how I’m just starting a diet and how I’m so proud of myself but then I give up. It wasn’t until I made this weight loss blog on June 11th, 2011 that I started to learn how to really lose weight. I realized why I had failed so many times in the past. And I successfully lost 48lbs. It was a beautiful experience. I was slowly learning to love my body. I was proud of who I was becoming inside and out. The first time I ever really cried tears of joy was when I tried on a dress that used to be tight on me and it finally fit and was even a little loose near the chest. But in December, I had a break up and I let that make me weak. I slowly started going back to my old ways. In January I started dating my boyfriend I’m with now which may have been fast, but I wouldn’t trade being with him for the world. But his unhealthy eating habits grew on me, so I started battling with binging again and I gained back about twelve pounds. I was also going through a lot and I let food be what I go to when I’m sad, just like I used to. But now I’m finally getting my life together. My boyfriend tries to support me with my weight loss, he’s a lot more understanding about it than he was when we first began dating so it’s easier to resist unhealthy foods around him now. I recently moved in with him and when we go grocery shopping, we always buy healthy food because he lets me choose what we get. And now it’s not like how it was before where I didn’t know how to properly lose weight. I still have that knowledge so I’m getting back into the swing of things. This time I know I won’t ever have to re-start again. I’m keeping this with me for the rest of my life. When I gained back the twelve pounds, it really destroyed my confidence and made me resent myself. I don’t ever want to be disappointed in myself like that again. I’m changing myself for the better, I will still be the same person but I will be happier and more confident. And for years, that is all I have ever wanted. 

The lowest weight I had ever remember being was 160 pounds, so getting under that weight was such a huge deal for me. Now my lowest weight is 137 before I gained back twelve pounds, but I want it to be 120. 120 is my weight loss goal. My heaviest weight was 185.

School life: I’m currently studying to get my GED, which I didn’t intend to do. I was planning on getting my diploma one way or another. I couldn’t get it by doing it the standard way, you know, graduating from high school, because I had already ruined my high school career by the time my senior year started. I didn’t take school serious enough, I guess. I didn’t have any friends at school and I hated feeling lonely every day. I was so depressed and insecure that I couldn’t even talk to my teachers. I wouldn’t dare let a word come out of my mouth and I think people were intimidated by that which is why no one ever approached me. I made it fairly obvious that I wasn’t a happy person by the way I walked and looked at everyone. I was so shallow and oblivious that I thought no one would want to talk to me because I was fat, even though there were many girls even bigger than me that had a lot of friends just because they showed confidence and other people liked that. But it didn’t help that I was already such a shy person to begin with. It’s taken me years and years to learn how to socialize with strangers, I’ve always had horrible social skills. When I was in kindergarten through grade school, I used to scream whenever my sister or mom dropped me off at school. If I had taken the bus that day, I would cry so much before I got on the bus. I acted so scared of school, you’d think it was literally a prison. I always blamed this on my lack of confidence, but my inability to talk to strangers is something that I experienced way before I even knew what confidence was. However, my lack of self confidence was a major contribution to it. When you mix shyness and insecurity, it doesn’t turn out well. Those two things have gotten in the way of so many things in my life. It took me awhile to realize that it’s about confidence and the way you approach yourself, it’s not about the way you look. I missed out on so many opportunities and friendships because of the way that I looked at myself. I didn’t want to take chances due to my looks and being afraid of rejection. And I’m honestly so tired of being that way. For me, this is more than becoming thin, it’s about being a better person, having control, and living a happier life. Having control over food, having control over my social skills, having control over the way I think about myself. I’m not just on a weight loss journey, I’m on a learning to love myself  journey. Anyway, I skipped school a lot due to this which put me very far behind, so unless I wanted to be in high school for another year or two, I just left. I decided to get my diploma through community college since they have programs for people who didn’t complete high school. However, I found out that I was signing up for the wrong program. By the time I found that out, it was too late to sign up for the right program. So now I have no choice but to get my GED. But, this won’t affect me. I’m going to apply for college as soon as I get my GED. Because I’m the daughter of a Veteran, my father was in the Vietnam war, I get basically free money from the government for going to school, and I’m excited about that because I know it will be very beneficial. I’m grateful for my dad because of it. I know that college will be a lot different. Not to mention, I have changed a lot since the last time I was in a public high school. I haven’t been in two years. I was in online school my last two years of high school. Anyway, after I get my GED, I’m also going to apply for part-time jobs. I’m getting my life together. I no longer want to be the uneducated, jobless, self-conscious, unhealthy, self-loathing, shy, and awkward girl.

My love for writing: If you want to continue learning more about me other than my weight loss, then read further. To start with, I’m absolutely in love with writing. It has been my passion for nine years. There is nothing I want to do more than write. I hope to have many successful books published by the time that I die. I want to write young adult fiction and then eventually adult fiction and when I’m middle aged I’m going to write a memoir. I would also love to write a book that consists of love letters. But not only do I like writing love letters, I also love to write letters in general. I have pen pals that I write to on a regular basis whom I’m very grateful for and I’m determined to have pen pals for the rest of my life. Letters have become such a lost art, but no matter how much times change, I’ll never stop writing them.
Other hobbies and interests: My other hobby is running which I learned to love a couple months after I started my weight loss journey. I plan to participate in many running competitions and I hope to run a marathon within the next couple of years. Aside from that, I also love nature, astrology, mythology, music, reading, and art. I can’t paint myself but looking at art gives me all kinds of good feelings. There’s not much that’s more beautiful than a painting, except nature. Often times when I feel sad, I look outside and see how beautiful nature is. I love long car rides, because I love looking out the window at everything that I see. The trees, animals, mountains, water, etc. I don’t know how anyone can take it for granted. It’s so peaceful and makes you want to live, at least it does for me. I love learning about myths because it’s almost like escaping reality, I especially love Greek mythology. I love learning about Greek Gods and Goddesses. Or really just all types of Gods and Goddesses in general. I love old fashions, bohemian style, vintage, & Victorian clothing. But I also love slipping on jeans and a plain colored shirt every once in awhile. Bargain hunting is my favorite thing to do. I love thrifting so much and I also love yard sales. They are one of my favorite parts about summer. I would spend a whole day looking for yard sales and thrift stores. I’m the type of person who loves walking downtown going into antique & boutique shops as well as grabbing a cup of coffee or tea from an adorable old fashioned restaurant or tea & coffee joint. I love going into random record stores and book stores. It’s my absolute favorite part about downtown Seattle, Olympia, and Puyallup. Forever 21 is also my favorite mainstream clothing store. I like to consider myself an old soul.
My desire to become a librarian: Although I want to be an author, I know that won’t work unless I’m well-known and make good money off of it which is a part of my plan, but I always have to be safe just in case that doesn’t happen. Therefore my other plan is to become a librarian. I’m not going to university because only a bachelor’s degree is required to be a librarian so I’m going to community college only. Only a bachelor’s degree is required to be a writer too, so I’m set on this plan. Some people think librarian’s are a joke but if you do your research you’ll see that they do make a good amount of money per year. I thought this would be perfect for me, because I love reading and writing. I was going to be a psychologist or Veterinary Scientist but I’m not willing to go all those extra years in school, but I’m still interested in psychology and Veterinary Science. I would still love to study both.
Religion: I believe in God, but I wouldn’t call myself a Christian, because I’ve just recently started believing in God again. I haven’t opened myself to the religion, because for some reason I have a problem saying I belong to any specific religion. I just like to believe what I believe in and not conform to a religion. Maybe my mind will change when I’m older, because I never thought I’d believe in God again either. I just felt like there’s too many miracles and “coincidences” for there not to be something there. 
I’m interested in Wicca which might sound odd but if you have an open mind and you learn about the religion on your own instead of listening to everything you hear, you’d see that it’s not evil like people make it out to be. It’s instead loving and so interesting. I’m not a Wiccan, as I said I don’t belong to a religion, but I like to learn about it. I love believing that I had a past life. I can’t help but feel like I was born in the wrong era and I should be in the 50’s-60’s and I think it’s possible that if reincarnation is real then I was living in that era. But I also love women’s clothing in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. I like everything old, actually. Old cars, old buildings, old furniture, etc. Antiques are just great. Sometimes I think things today are just too modern.

My sexuality: I don’t really like to put a label on it but I like men and women. I like what I like and I respect anyone who likes what they like as well. I don’t judge based off of sexuality. I believe love is love and I can respect you if you don’t have the same belief but if you are hateful towards it then I probably won’t like you because there’s a difference between having your own belief and just being plain hateful. I had my first crush on a girl when I was in fourth grade which is such an early age and that’s why I believe that it’s always been who I am. Nothing that I can really explain, I don’t have to put a label on it because I knew I liked Jade in fourth grade and I didn’t even know what a lesbian was yet.

Relationship status: As of January 17th, 2012, I have a boyfriend named Dean. He’s seven years older than I am, but when we’re together, I don’t feel an age difference. All it feels like is two people having fun together because that’s what we are: people, not a number. I’m in love with him and that’s something I’ve never been so sure of. We’re so different from each other, so I never thought I’d ever be with someone like him. But now that I’m with him, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. At first, I wasn’t so sure of the fact that we were different, but the more I got to know him the more I realized that we do have some similarities like we both love antiques and the things that make him different from me, I appreciate. He’s taught me a lot about cars and history just because that’s what he’s into. And I’m grateful for it. I’ve never once questioned if he loves me. He makes it so obvious, which is another thing I appreciate. Sometimes he cuddles up with me in his sleep at night without even knowing it. And he talks in his sleep, so I can tell if he’s dreaming of me. I always had to question it with everyone else, whether they truly cared about me or not, but I know with him. It’s only my second relationship, but I’ve had a “thing” with a couple people before. I feel like my relationship with him is mature which is honestly what I need in my life. He takes care of me while also being someone I can have fun with and laugh with. He can be a pain, but as far as I know, he’s worth it. In the beginning, I felt as if he was emotionally abusive so I broke up with him. But the break up only lasted five days and I talked to him the whole time via emails and IMs. We thoroughly discussed things and he’s changed a lot since then. I would never again think he’s abusive. He likes to be tough and he has a strong demeanor, but he’s such a sweetheart. Sometimes I look at him and think I can’t believe he’s mine. We’re going cross country in September. I will edit this when we come back from our trip and talk about it. I told him I wanted to go to AZ to see my dad’s grave, because he’s been dead for nine years and I still haven’t seen it. I didn’t even get to go to his funeral. But I actually haven’t even seen him in fourteen years. So doing this is important to me and Dean said he wanted to make it happen for me. He said we should make a road trip out of it, he had already mapped out the trip before we even met. It’s something he was already planning on doing someday, so it’s perfect. I’m going to meet my family on my dad’s side for the first time too. I don’t know my grandma, aunts, uncles, and I have sisters and a brother I don’t know either. They have children so I have nieces and nephews I don’t know as well. I can’t wait to meet all of them. It will be an emotional experience and I’m sure my life will never be the same again after it.

Marijuana: I don’t think this would be an about me without saying I love marijuana. I want to point that out so people will already know and I don’t have to get messages about it. I used to be ignorant when it came to marijuana. I hated it and I thought anyone who smoked it was dumb. I felt that way because I saw what it did to people. It seemed like everyone was fine until they started smoking and then it made them unmotivated and their life started going downhill. I believed what everyone else believes. It kills your brain cells, it makes you unmotivated, it’s a gateway drug, it’s bad for your lungs, it’s addicting, it will ruin your life! But then I met Dean and I started smoking it consistently. I love him for making me have an open-mind, I love him for making me see what a beautiful thing marijuana is. In fact, one of the first questions he ever asked me was “Wanna smoke some bud?” It calms me, it makes me feel good. It’s a miracle drug and as far as I’m concerned, a gift from God. I’ll have a migraine and cramps and all I have to do is smoke some weed to ease the physical pain. And if anything, it makes me motivated. I haven’t lost any brain cells. I’ve learned quite a lot actually. I now read two books per week and I finally started writing a book again. I’m thirsty for knowledge and I can’t wait to start college. I have also never felt the urge to try another drug. I wouldn’t want to, I don’t even like cigarettes so I’m not going to try meth. And I’m definitely not addicted, I don’t need it, I want it. I can go without it and feel fine. I came to the conclusion that everyone I know who got unmotivated and fell apart from it would have been that way anyway with or without weed. They had problems and they were sad. But I didn’t know them well enough to know that, I just assumed it was weed. And I can understand that the high you get from weed may make you want to try other drugs to see what kind of high they give you, but I’m happy with weed. Why would I want to do other drugs? I don’t want to take a pill or inject a needle in my body or snort coke up my nose. I just want to smoke some marijuana. Honestly if you’re against it, do some research first. Dean and I watched videos about the history of marijuana and the benefits of it. It truly is beneficial. Why do you think there’s medical marijuana? The only reason I’d ever stop smoking is if I had a child inside me or I’m trying to get a job that requires a drug test. Marijuana has never affected my boyfriend either. He’s a very driven and hard-working person. Many of our U.S. presidents smoked weed like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Abraham Lincon, John F. Kennedy, and etc. George Washington’s wife helped grow marijuana for him, they grew it in his garden.

Horror films: I have an incredible obsession with horror films. I don’t know where it came from, but I guess it’s because my brothers and old step sister used to love them and I grew up with it. When I was about ten, the Freddy Krueger and Friday the 13th series were my favorites. Don’t Look Under The Bed was my favorite Disney film and I loved The Twilight Zone. They grew out of it, but I never did, and I know I never will. Horror films don’t scare me anymore, if a horror film actually scares me then it must be golden. I watch them purely for entertainment, not for a scare, because I honestly do love them. I think it would be awesome to star in a horror film or direct one. My favorite horror films are The Loved Ones, I Spit On Your Grave, The Last House on the Left, The Thing (2011), The Caller, Insidious, 28 Weeks Later, Let The Right One In, Let Me In, Zombie Honeymoon, 30 Days of Night, Wrong Turn, Joy Ride, Freddy Krueger series, Friday the 13th series, and The Hills Have Eyes. That is only a brief list because I have many favorites. I’m not critical when it comes to horror films unless the horror film really and truly is awfulwithout a doubt. These days people are so critical of the genre and they just need to lighten up and enjoy it.
Television: I really love television shows. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Kyle XY, Party of Five, The Big Bang Theory, Undeclared, Freaks and Geeks, Ringer, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Ghost Whisperer, The Golden Girls, Sailor Moon, The Simple Life, The New Adventures of Old Christine, I Used to Be Fat, Steve Wilkos, and That 70’s Show. I hate modern television so majority of those shows are old, but I watch them all the time and never get tired of them. Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been my favorite show since I was eight years old, and as cliche as it sounds I don’t think I would be the same person if I didn’t grow up with it. It made me who I am today and I appreciate the cast and crew more than I can express. If you want my Buffy blog, there is a link called ‘My Other Blogs’ that you will find it in.
Music and films: I love music a lot but my music genre doesn’t vary. I merely only listen to indie, folk, alternative, rock, and acoustic. My favorite bands are The Decemberists, Manchester Orchestra, Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, The Avett Brothers, A.A. Bondy, Modest Mouse, The Kooks, Arctic Monkeys, etc. I also really like old bands like The Sex Pistols, The Cure, The Beatles, The Smiths, Styx, Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, David Bowie, The Ramones, Joe Walsh, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash,  etc. I love celebrities as I’m a film fanatic. I love Christina Ricci, Brittany Murphy, Edie Sedgwick, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rose McGowan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, James Franco, Matt Dallas, Jeremy Sisto, Ryan Gosling, Michael Pitt, and Jake Gyllenhaal. My favorite films other than horror are But I’m a Cheerleader, My Summer of Love, and Lost & Delirious, which all three are about lesbians in love. I absolutely love women. Which comes to remind me that recently I’ve realized I’m an extreme feminist. I’ve decided to write my own essay about feminism and women who have made a significant difference in the world. We have overcome so much. We were told we couldn’t vote, but now we can. We were told we couldn’t work, but now women can be a a lawyer, a judge, a doctor, a scientist. There are many notable women in the U.S. government. We were told women can’t play sports like football, basketball, and baseball, but now there are women’s sports teams and women in the Olympics. We were told we can’t do things without our husband’s permission, but now women can be completely independent. We don’t need no man if we don’t want one. So I like to be a feminist, because I’m tired of women being looked at as sex objects instead of human beings. Even some women degrade their own, which I find sad. Don’t worry, I’m a sincere feminist. I do believe in equality. I’m not one of those feminists who say they want equality but they are also sexist when it comes to men. Men have obviously overcome a lot in history as well. Only men have been our president. Man created cars, the internet, the phone. So why would I say I hate them? Without men, where would we be? Without women, where would men be? Both genders are important to this world. 

Conclusion: I’ll end this by saying I’m a nice person with a huge heart. I’m only mean if I feel hurt or threatened because I have a backbone, but I’m never intentionally rude to anyone. I love meeting new people. I can be as selfless as I am selfish. I’m random so expect to see some randomness. I make myself laugh often, that’s something I’ve always loved about myself. If you’d like to know anything, don’t be afraid to ask me.